Shabby Miss Jenn

Friday, May 10, 2013

{Love Yourself}

Inspired by a post that my friend Jeanne Oliver just wrote and shared on her own blog.

Since discovering how much enjoyment I get from capturing moments of time, it is usually a rare sight to find me without camera in hand. Photos of anything that catches my eye will be snapped.
My primitive dolls, the latest painting being worked on, the newest plant to poke thru the dirt in the garden. Day trips to the beach or to discover an old headstone in a cemetery. Countless photos have been captured thru my lens.

To be on the other side of the lens tends to make me feel a little nauseous.
Instant scrutiny erupts in my mind.
Some days are better then others. My youngest niece LOVES what she calls our "spontaneous photo shoots". Indulging her in this joy has given us incredible memories together filled with laughter. A few of the photos have even turned out awesome. Bonus!

Jeanne shared photos of herself in her post that took my breath away. She shared thoughts about herself with them. She asked to have folks share photos they took of themselves.
In the same moment that my heart jumped and said "I'll do it"..... the rest of me screamed NOoooooooooooo.

Woke to rain this morning and caught myself sighing with relief; giving into the quick option of cancelling.
I can do this.
I thought the idea was fantastic when I read her post yesterday and I still did.
Putting on my big girl panties and grabbing my camera, outside I went to capture a few photos and then when the rain became too hard, finished off inside the farmhouse. A tiny wee "freaking out"dance may have occurred at the beginning. I caught myself wanting to peak at each photo taken and delete. Took a deep breath and started snapping.........

Who knew that only a few years ago so much would change for me? Being outside in torn clothes and ripped jeans, swatting bugs out of my face would make my heart smile. Hair tied back and hardly any makeup on. Planting and playing in the backyard area of the farmhouse. I still do the other things that I did....but THIS makes me happy.

My big green boots have somehow become my "go to" footwear. I am madly in love with these foolish things. When he first told me he was going to be buying me a pair of boots, my first thought was something knee length in a soft leather, that I could wear with jeans or a dress. Ummmm no.
He walked me right past that style of boot to the "work" section. I may have actually been a bit speechless.
Then I started wearing them for working around the farmhouse and fell in love.
I wore them all winter no matter where we were going. He laughed and teased me so much.

Wrinkles. Sunspots. Natural hair color.
It's all part of what makes me who I am.
Each of those wrinkles has been earned.
They came from laughing and living life.
Why fuss about dying my hair and trying to keep up with trends?
Is it clean? Does my husband like to run his hands thru it when he tells me he loves me?

I could focus on the crows feet and how my eyelids seem to "move" more when applying my eyeliner.
What a waste of energy though. Does it change anything? So what if I seem to wake each morning with more grey hair? So what if I happen to have a chin hair? that chin hair has to be plucked each time. Who am I kidding?!
I have imperfections but I refuse to send my energy there.

I'm almost 42.
Not every day is wonderful and without moments of wishing something was different on my body.
Overall, I am content. I don't jump on every bandwagon to lose weight. Working the farm and eating the food we grow has helped me lose weight and gain a healthier body which I am grateful for. I don't push myself. If I want something naughty, trust me, I eat it!
I don't beat myself up over having eaten it either.

My life makes me happy.
I'm at a place where I can smile.
I'm loved.
There is no pretending going on.
I've managed to get to a place in my life where I am comfortable on so many levels.
It's not perfect and it's not meant to be.
I'm living my life and enjoying the journey.


Ellen (Tracy) said...

Hey there beautiful lady -- so proud of you! I know what you mean about picking yourself apart. But you put yourself in front of the camera and I assume didn't throw up. Way to go! And btw, love the pics Cedara.

Anonymous said...

Love the pics and commentary! Super job! XO

Jessica Cornwell said...

Like, no Love! Wish I could be so . :)


JULES said...

Congratulations and good for you - don't think I am ready, but I applaud you for doing it. You are quite lovely inside and out :-)

Cedara_ThruTheAtticDoor said...

Thanks everyone!

jennifer768 said...

A lovely post,enjoyed reading it.Hugs,Jen

Tamara Gladstone said...

This is great! I can totally relate to all of it! I wrote about this topic myself a while back, and got a LOT of amazing responses from folks who could also relate. It's funny how we see ourselves so differently, depending on where we put our energy, and how we choose to care for ourselves.